


all of this

by cwild



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-10 18:09:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10443948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cwild/pseuds/cwild
Summary: Lexa's pretty content with her job requiring her to travel a lot and everything that comes with it, but when Clarke Griffin reappears in her life she's suddenly not so sure of anything anymore.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> no beta around here, sorry for any mistakes

FEBRUARY 21st

She becomes an aunt in Madrid.

Anya’s crying like, really crying, and it’s kind of hard to decipher her words but Lexa’s almost sure she hears her best friend saying that her baby is already with her and that he’s beautiful. Lexa tries to calm her but it’s useless, she’s shaking herself, of joy and a little sadness. Marco was supposed to be born in two weeks but it seems like he was in a rush to be out in the world and sent Raven into labor a few hours ago.

After a few seconds of unstoppable sobbing and babbling she hangs up and calls a cab to the airport.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
FEBRUARY 23rd

Marco’s a beautiful baby boy. He has big brown eyes and gorgeous natural tanned skin, just like his mother. He’s extremely tiny and quite loud too.

When she holds him he goes quiet and she tries really hard not to cry. He fits in her pale, skinny arms like he was meant to sleep there and it feels like belonging a bit. When his little hand slowly clings onto her heart-shaped gold pendant she can’t hold the tears any longer or the smiles, the reaction has Anya smiling sweetly at her.

“If you’re the only one who can make him go quiet I’m sorry but you’ll be held hostage until he’s four”

She looks at her friend with bright eyes and chuckles. It definitely is a good prospect, being with him all the time, kissing and pampering him, cuddling with him until he’s old enough to tell her aunt to leave him alone because she’s embarrassing him in front of her friends. She could be that aunt, the one who drives him to football practice or dance lessons, the one that buys him so many sweets and gifts that his mothers begin to hate her, the one who satisfies every whim.

It’s a good plan, except she doesn’t follow through with it.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
MARCH 7th

She hasn’t seen Marco in two weeks and she misses him like crazy, but she can’t just take a break and go visit him because he’s several countries away.  
Its hotter in Rio than she ever experienced.

It’s still summer in Brazil and she wishes her nephew and her sister were there with her. They could be enjoying the heavenly beaches of Rio while she’s locked in an office trying to convince Rio’s hotel manager that he shouldn’t turn his back on building a spa because it costs a lot of money. They could be dancing samba on the sidewalk with some locals while she explains the hotel manager that it will profit him eventually. They could be waiting for her in the hotel while she convinces him and complains about his lack of vision.

But they aren’t with her and she feels the usual void bigger this time.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
JUNE 6th

She never minded spending her birthday alone but now she kind of does. She’s in Madrid again and it reminds her of the time Marco was born and she wasn’t there. She’s still mad at the universe because of it, she had perfectly organized her work schedule to be in New York in time for Marco’s birth. She only got to spend five days with him before flying back to Madrid.

She still hates her job a little for it.

She’s facetiming with Anya and it warms her heart but it also makes her wish she was there holding her nephew, being the reason he’s laughing so wholeheartedly. She can hear him and see him but he doesn’t recognize her aunt in the screen. Anya says he’s too little to even recognize what a human is on the screen but Lexa’s sure Jean Piaget would argue against that. She still appreciates Anya trying, though.

It’s been three days since she last saw him but it still feels too much. She hates knowing she’s not being an active part of Marco’s life. She tries to finish her work in foreign cities as fast as she can, she flies to New York regularly and spends at least three days seeing Marco before going back to work again. That’s all she can give to him, along with expensive stuffed toys she brings him from all over the world to compensate her absence.

“Wipe that stupid look on your face” Anya says changing her playful tone to a more serious one “You see him as much as you can.”

Anya always knows what to say. But the guilt is still there and stings.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
DECEMBER 1st

“I want you to spend Christmas with us”

Lexa looks at Raven trying to read her face and look for any sign of disagreement. Their relationship is not in the best place. It hasn’t been for the last six years.  
After all, Raven was -and still is- best friends with Clarke and, at the same time, she was also Lexa’s friend. But she couldn’t prevent her from the catastrophe. She couldn’t warn her. She stayed silent and let Lexa figure it out for herself. She stood there, watching her crumble and she didn’t do shit.  
But Raven only smiled at her showing no teeth. It felt friendly, more friendly than she’s gotten used to.

“I don’t know if I’ll be in the city, even in the country” she says, focusing on the stray of hair that Marco is pulling from her, it helps her to avoid Anya’s gaze.

She’s never spent any festivities with Anya and Raven since she sold her apartment. She tells herself she’s happy about it because she gets to experience Christmas and New Years in different countries every year and that’s something a lot of people would be jealous of.

So far, she’s liked Brazil’s New Year’s festivities the most. She received 2015 with a couple of colleagues and hundreds of other people in one of the beaches in Rio and she can’t remember half of the night, but she knows it was a great one. The monstrous hangover she sported the first day of 2016 was a good reminder of it.

Even though she makes sure to tell Anya a million times that she actually likes spending those special days with strangers, her sister still casually comments her every year that she could spend festivities with her and Raven. Especially Christmas since it’s the most nostalgic one after her parents passed away. But there was no Marco before, so she never actually _requested_ her presence, or even say she wanted her there. This was more direct, it was almost like _daring_ her to say no.

“You handle your own agenda” Anya reminded her, sternly.

“I’ll try” she says weakly.

Anya doesn’t push any further maybe because she knows she’ll be there.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CHRISTMAS EVE

Marco’s weak steps reach her open arms, finally. He’s been practicing getting up and walking a few meters but he never succeeded at reaching his aunt before. Raven stares at them with pure pride in her eyes and Lexa’s sure she sees a tear rolling down her cheek. She realizes she’s crying too just after he buries his little bald head in her hair.

He smells like childhood and cocoa and that fills her with joy and brings a little nostalgia to the mix. One of the reasons she never spent Christmas with Anya was because it remembered her too much of home and she’s never prepared for it. Sometimes she thinks she never will be.

Thinking about her parents it’s not something bad on its own. It’s a mix of things what puts her in a bad mood and manage to suck her energy away, it’s remembering everyone she’s lost altogether what puts her in a teary mood. It isn’t Anya’s fault, or her family’s, her copying mechanism sometimes just fails miserably.

Marco’s giggling drags her out of any kind of grim thought in just a second.

“If he learnt how to walk with you that means he’ll follow your steps?” says Anya from the door, she’s wearing kitchen globes and Lexa thinks she looks funny.

“I hope it doesn’t, otherwise we’ll barely see him”

It isn’t meant to sound as rude as it did. Raven realizes that as soon as she closes her mouth and Lexa feels something hurting inside of her. It’s been a long time since her sister’s wife spoke to her that way.

“I’ll help him explore the world then” she says, avoiding Raven’s comment while guiding him to the Christmas tree. For some reason, he always heads there. The pretty red and green lights probably catch his attention more than the huge stuffed lion Lexa brought him from South Africa. “I think he prefers forests”

“We could take him to somewhere full of trees sometime, couldn’t we?” proposes Raven, probably trying be more friendly.  
Lexa stops staring at Marco, lifts her gaze and finds nothing but kindness in the brunette’s fierce expressions. She values her trying and offers a tiny smile.

“Yeah, yeah we could”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
JANUARY 30st

She doesn’t remember what is like to live without a headache.

She’s been in India for a month and she can’t get used to it. Her bosses are trying to open a small boutique hotel in the main center of Nueva Delhi and it’s too goddamn loud. Every building they offer her is loud, and boutique hotels can’t have that kind of acoustical contamination, it would ruin the whole idea of the hotel. Even where she’s staying at is kind of loud.

It’s not just the cars and motorbikes, the city is loud. It’s painfully alive and overflowing with culture. She’s used to live in _the city that never sleeps_ but she’s definitely not used to _the city that never shuts up_. It feels fake to be that happy all the time.

“But you will be here for his birthday, won’t you?” Anya says from the other side of the line. “She won’t be here.” Something between pain and relief suddenly hits her, she feels it in a particular part of her chest that used to sting a lot, but now she is accustomed to it.

A truck almost hits her but she succeeds in crossing the street anyway.

“I’ll do my best”

“Your best better be being here loving your nephew”

She hangs up, barely smiling.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
FEBRUARY 21st, 2018

Lincoln’s hugs aren’t like every other guy’s hugs. He almost covers the whole other person with his body and he squeezes, trying to muscularly show how much he appreciates and misses the hugged one. Lexa used to hate being hugged by him when they were kids but now she’s not sure anymore.

“It’s been so long, you got stronger” He says smiling sweetly at her.

“I work out almost every day” she sees he’s proud. “Give me two months and I’ll get bigger than you.”

He grins and tells her that she would be even hotter than him.

Marco’s so pampered and hugged by everyone that she prefers not to mingle. It makes her anxious to have that many people in one room, she can’t even imagine what it’s like to be touched by all of them. She’d rather wait until some of the guests start leaving.

Octavia and Lincoln are cleaning up the mess that Anya’s kitchen has turned into and she’s peacefully sprawled on the couch with a toddler tucked in her side, snoring lightly. His peaceful heartbeat against her ribs makes her yawn.

“If I hadn’t told you she wasn’t coming, would you still have come?” Anya asks abruptly and the peace is gone.

That’s one of the thing she hates the most about Anya. She’s the opposite of subtle and tends to catch her off guard.

“I don’t know” she admits quietly.

She hears her friend sitting on the floor.

“It’s been seven years”

“That I do know” it sounds sharper than she intended.

“I don’t want you to get all defensive and stuff, I’m just saying. I’ve tried that you and her don’t cross paths ever since she came back, I even asked Raven not to name her whenever you’re around, but I’m starting to feel it’s not what I’m supposed to be doing” Anya tries.

Lexa know her sister is not messing with her temper just for the fun of it. She knows this talk is necessary, but she can’t help being mad at her.

“And what are you supposed to be doing?” She snaps and gets up a little. Marco stirs and she realizes she would wake him up if she gets angrier.

“I don’t know. Hiding her is not going to make you forget. I get you, I swear I do. I don’t even like her ever since you two broke up and when she first came in here I was so mad. But what can I do? She’s my wife’s best friend. If I have to put up with her so do you. You’ll see her again someday”

“She came here?” It’s not something extravagant, she subconsciously thought about it sometimes, it was obvious that Clarke probably visits her best friend and her son, but it still doesn’t feel real.

“Yes, Marco likes her” _who wouldn’t?_

“Of course, he does, he likes everyone” She convinces herself out loud.

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I better be going” She says as she slowly gets up, trying to bother Marco as little as possible. Luckily for her, he’s not a light sleeper.

“You can run all you want, but someday you’ll have to grow some and face her, be cool about it and not crumble over the weight of your own nostalgia”

Anya doesn’t even stand up to open the door for her.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
FEBRUARY 27th, 2018

She doesn’t like to admit she’s been avoiding Anya’s calls and messages. It makes her feel silly, like a teenager holding a grudge. But deep down she knows it’s more than that. Anya touched a nerve a few days ago, when they discussed Clarke. Her sister being right about her life and her feelings is not something she can process with a smile on her face.

It’s been seven years and she can’t still say her name without the feeling of something pressing heavily on her chest. It’s not fair that she can’t escape.

A warm hand is placed on her knee and she jolts a little. Costia’s looking at her with worried eyes that warm her heart a bit.

“Something happened?” She asks with that weird but adorable accent that only French people possess.

She realizes she’s been staring at her phone ever since the last text from Anya came in a few minutes ago, and completely forgot Costia was in the middle of saying something. Were they discussing about work? Food? She can’t remember.

“No, I’m sorry I spaced out. My sister is texting me” She explains, leaving the cellphone on the table and taking a sip of her water.

“Is she telling you a riddle? You look so confused” She smiles at her and Lexa can’t even process how pretty she is.

Lexa smiles back at her easily.

“No, but we aren’t in the best of terms right now and I was thinking whether to answer her or not”

Costia frowns a little and her brown eyes open with surprise. Lexa knows she wasn’t expecting that small piece of personal information. She never shares. Ever since they started seeing each other every time Lexa was in Paris, they never talked about Lexa’s life back in New York. Lexa never shares and Costia never pushes.

Lexa likes her because she makes her feel at ease in her company.

“If it’s making you anxious or upset you should answer” She says kindly and takes a sip of her wine, her eyes not leaving Lexa.

“You’re probably right” She says firmly and Costia seems pleased.

She enjoys her night more than she uses to and even accepts to be cuddled afterwards.

Costia is surprised for the second time in less than 24 hours when she wakes up and sees Lexa cooking breakfast for both of them.

Lexa likes how easy and simple it feels.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
MARCH 3rd, 2018

She remembers bitterly why she hates low cost airlines.

After being delayed for six hours in Paris she has arrived to New York in rush hour. What upsets her more than being late is how the cab driver won’t stop talking. She’s learnt he’s a Yankees fan and feels like that information occupies valuable space in her brain.

When she arrives at Anya’s its past midday and is grateful for the plate of spaghetti they’ve saved for her. Airplane food is not her thing and she’s been hungry for a few hours.

Anya watches her eat with a knowing smile that somehow makes her nervous and fidgety.

“What?” She shoots.

“Who is she?”

She doesn’t have to elaborate. Lexa knows what her sister is asking and blushes a little. She can even feel the heat creeping up her neck and reaching her cheeks.

The previous night wasn’t like any other night she had spent with Costia before. Anya’s words running in her head had made her think about the Clarke thing and she even accepted her point. She accepted that her sister was right. Seven years is a lot of time and she does not deserve to be sad anymore.

Not that she hadn’t thought about that before. What made the difference this time was Costia’s presence.

It was voluntary to start sharing. To mention Anya was a big step for her and that lead to a long conversation about her life in New York, she felt exposed but in a good way. It felt good to let Costia get to know her.

“Remember the French girl I’ve been seeing?”

“You meant sleeping with” Anya corrects.

She rolls her eyes and chooses to ignore her. “Well, I talked to her about you last night”

Anya nods, understanding, and her smile doesn’t disappear.

“That’s cool.”

“It is. It feels… okay” Lexa says and sighs.

“I hope it feels more than okay in the future” Lexa scrunches her nose at that. She doesn’t like to think about the future or her future with Costia, it makes her anxious and nervous about something going wrong, most specifically, being guilty about something going wrong.

“Who knows.”  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
MARCH 9th, 2018

Lexa’s never before picked out a place to work over others for personal reasons. She’s not sure she deserves having such privileges, but the feeling of doubt disappears as soon as she lands in Paris.

When she sees Costia waiting for her in the car she smiles and it feels new.

They go places. A lot. Even if they’ve seen each other at least twenty times before this one, they’ve never been anywhere else than a few restaurants, hotels or Costia’s apartment.

This time they don’t spend their time together confined to a single place. Costia takes her to a bunch of old churches and cathedrals and explains their history to her. In the Latino Quarter she introduces her to a bunch of friends who own a small café and Lexa likes them instantly, they’re three women in their seventies that tell her with detail about the students strike they were part of in 1968 at the Sorbonne University. She has read about the world revolutions that took place in the sixties but hearing from people who _were_ there is different, almost as she can touch a part of that history.

At some point, she sees Costia yawning and takes pity on her. She probably has heard the same story a few times and it’s been almost three hours since they arrived to the café. She decides to call it a day and go back to her apartment, not without promising the three ladies she would visit them again soon.

Lexa learns to like Paris a lot more than before.

When Costia tells her she wants to take her to the Louvre Museum, Lexa finches and refuses politely. Costia looks at her a little worried but decides to let it slide and tells her about and old and forgotten library she usually goes on Sundays to enjoy her free day. She tells her she could find books in English about France’s recent history and a few Baudelaire book poems. Lexa smiles at her and accepts, deciding to leave her work for later.

The following day Costia hugs her and tries to coax her into going with her to the cinema instead of working on her laptop, she almost gives in. Almost. Luckily for her, Costia understands the burdens of her job and what a catastrophe it might be if she’s too behind.

She kisses her nose and lets go back to her work.

  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
MARCH 15th, 2018

She hasn’t boarded yet but she’s in bad mood already

The manager of the Polis Hotel in Rio is having second thoughts about building the spa she’s worked so much on and her bosses ask her to solve it herself. Again.

Costia offered her help to deal with it and Lexa was tempted to say yes. But Costia’s job is in Paris and it wouldn’t be nice to distract her from it.

It’s not that she doesn’t like Rio. In fact, is one of her favorite hotels to work in. But she hates one-day trips with all her heart. Jet lag kills her and then she has meetings with a lot of guys that sometimes don’t take her seriously and then she has to fly away again.

After yelling at the manager a little she flies back to Paris.

Jet lag ends up during two complete days.

  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
APRIL 26th, 2018

It’s the longest she’s been in Paris. A month and eleven days is a lot of time considering that the hotel in France never has serious issues for her to deal with. Costia’s really good at her job and that gives her a few days to relax.

She usually goes to Paris for three days to check that everything is still running smoothly and then flies to another city to face bigger problems.

She’s been working in the New Delhi hotel from Costia’s apartment and she’s glad she can do that from there. She hated every minute of her stay in India. It’s just not her place. It doesn’t suit her.

She thought about working from New York, but the prospect of staying in a hotel with her nephew just a few blocks away wasn’t very promising for her job. She’d love to be with him, of course, but her bosses told her New Delhi is a priority and asked her to finish that task as fast as she could. She would take a few days off after she’s done with the Indian hotel and spend her little vacation in Anya’s home probably.

Her phone ringing obliges her to take a pause of setting up budges in Indian rupees.

“Hi Anya” She says, closing her notebook.

“Hi stranger, where are you?” She can hear Marco yelling in the background and realizes how much she misses him.

“Still in Paris.” Anya hums knowingly from the other side of the line. “I’m coming back tomorrow”

“That’s great. Raven wants to go to the opening of Clarke’s gallery on Friday and we need someone to take care of Marco for the night, will you be available?”

It feels like being hit in the gut with a baseball bat.

She has been healing, she doesn’t deny that. Being with Costia, opening up to her, doing couple-ish things with her has make her feel more alive than she ever felt in years, learning about Paris, adapting to live somewhere else instead of running from one city to another to avoid getting attached. Slowly, the void started to fill itself. That part of her chest and lower stomach that used to ache everyday has been changing as well. It doesn’t feel as strong as before. There are days that it doesn’t hurt at all.  
But all the information that carried that sentence has her a little out of breath. Clarke’s opening a gallery that means Clarke’s been living in New York for god knows how long. And her best friend is attending, and she didn’t warn her about it. She just spilled info and let Lexa process it.

“Um, yeah, I will be”

“Is something wrong?” Anya asks, confused.

“No, I just remembered I need to pack” She lies.

“Oh, right. Say hi to your woman for me”

She hangs up, still a little stunned and decides to get herself busy, wishing it would stop her from thinking.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
APRIL 27st

She asks Costia not to take her to the airport. She’s been in a weird mood since Anya’s call and she doesn’t want to ruin everything they’ve been doing or make her worry.

Costia worries anyway but doesn’t say a word about it and Lexa’s glad she understands, she kisses Lexa goodbye and hugs her, letting her know she wants her back as soon as possible.

Lexa tells her she’ll let her know.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
APRIL 28nd, 2018

The first thing she notices is that Anya has dyed her hair. She’s blonder now and it suits her, it makes her look even younger.

Marco’s kicking a small soccer ball at her and Lexa pretends she’s a goalkeeper, she lets him score a few goals and he giggles and she giggles along.

He hasn’t started to talk coherently yet but he still tries to call her somehow. _Rexa, Dexa, Exa_ , those are all of her nicknames now and she laughs every time he tries to call her. Sometimes he doesn’t get it and gets mad but most of the times he just keeps calling her until she stops.

She hugs him and fills his face with kisses at every opportunity she has. It makes her feel a bit guilty the fact that he’s grown a little since she last saw him. Kids grow fast, faster than she thought.

Anya’s like whirlwind going from her bedroom to the living room where Lexa is in, she grumbles things Lexa can’t completely understand and closes doors with too much force.

“What’s going on?” Lexa says, standing up.

“I can’t find the tickets and Raven’s so gonna kill me” Anya retorts nervously. She’s been through that same drawer probably ten times by now but is still somehow hopeful to find the tickets there.

“Calm down, have you checked your wallet?”

“Of course I’ve checked my wallet” She says not convinced at all and runs to her bedroom. “Found them!” Yells and Lexa smiles when she sees her coming back looking a lot more relaxed. “So, how’s the French lady?”

“You mean Costia.” The eyeroll this earns can almost be heard.

“Yeah, her, how is she? Are you gonna move in with her or something?” Lexa is stunned silent and Anya backs off “Sorry, too early?”

“Yeah, I mean, I haven’t even thought about it”

“Well, you should, I mean, you’ve been there a lot of time lately and you look brighter, of course you look beautiful because you share my genes but I’m trying to say that Paris suits you, maybe you could take a break from travelling” Anya comments while putting on her earrings in front of a small mirror.

Lexa stays silent, watching Marco walking as quickly as he can to catch the ball. He’s been playing with it like dogs do. Throwing it away and chasing after it happily.

“Settling in one place may affect my work in a few ways, not that I haven’t thought about it but I don’t think I’m sure to stop travelling just yet, I still have many things to finish up in Brazil, India and Madrid before thinking about taking care of other regions” It’s a rehearsed answer, she said the exact same thing to her bosses every time they had asked her if she’s tired of the style of life she’s been having. They had offered her several times to change her job to another that will allow her to focus only on one area. “I’ll probably see Marco even less than I do now, I don’t think it’s for the best.” She finishes.

“You can visit him every weekend, is not like you can’t afford the plane ticket”

“Are you trying to get rid of me?” The joke’s a little forced but it allows her to escape the conversation just fine.

Anya laughs and picks Marco up. She peppers his face with kisses as he tries to scape her, giggling while doing so. This is a picture of happiness Lexa is not tired to see.

Her sister leaves after kissing her in the forehead.

When Marco starts to yawn and clutch at her shirt she realizes she’s alone. With Anya long gone to pick up Raven from her mother’s and Marco not demanding her constant attention anymore she has way too much time to herself and she’s not sure what to do with it.

For a moment, she thinks of calling Costia. Being alone hasn’t been a problem for her in years but right now it kind of is. Listening to the sweet French accent sounds like a good escape from the sudden discomfort. Costia always knows what to say to make her feel better, but its five in the morning in Paris and she’s is probably sleeping or enjoying a night off.

And she hasn’t even called her since she landed. She wonders if Costia will be mad when she does.

She takes Marco to his crib, being incredibly careful not to wake him. He stirs a little when being put down but she succeeds at the task.

She’s not even close to being sleepy so she settles on the living room to watch something on Netflix, hoping it will take her mind off the fact that her sister is having a good time with a girl she thought was still living in London.

She’d be lying if she said it’s the first time she thought about it since Anya left the house.

How could she not? Is not something she’d ever admit to herself, but the sudden need to call Costia to be reminded that she’s not alone has something to do with Clarke. Of course it does. Part of her is still broken, even after all this time. If she tries hard enough she can almost feel the pieces being disconnected to each other, it stings but not like it used to.

She can’t remember at which point in the movie she fell asleep, but the knocking on the door wakes her and there’s a sudden feeling of panic during the first seconds of consciousness. It’s 3 AM, there’s someone outside and a toddler sleeping upstairs. She chooses not to think of how many horror movies start with a similar scenario but decides to shove that thought away once she realizes it’s probably Raven drunk of her ass trying to get into the house.

She can’t recognize Raven through the peephole but she does see a female figure and opens the door only to find herself being frozen to the spot.

Clarke Griffin is standing in the doorway looking as pale as she’s seen a ghost.

_Clarke._

She seems to have been paralyzed like her as well because she does not make a sound, she just stares at her unbelievingly and handles her a phone in a red case without a word. It takes her longer than it should to process its Raven’s phone.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know you, I didn’t know you were here” Clarke stutters.

“Is this…?” Lexa asks trying to focus on the only thing that isn’t Clarke.

“Raven’s phone” The blonde finishes for her. “She forgot it at the gallery and I thought I’d return it, but I guess she’s not here yet?” She tries to look past Lexa’s figure but the living room is too dark to recognize anything but the tv that’s still on.

It’s a cold night and it’s rude to keep her waiting outside, so Lexa invites her in and Clarke doubts for a moment but accepts the offer.

As the door closes Lexa realizes she made the situation more awkward than it already was. The sound of the street is long gone, the tv is on the lowest volume and all they can hear is each other’s breathing and a little of Marco’s through the babycall.

Clarke’s taller than her because she’s wearing plumps, her hair is shorter than she remembered and the tips are pink. She’d love to hate her new style, how juvenile it makes her look but it’s impossible. All those years she spent hoping her memory was playing tricks on her, thinking the fog of nostalgia made her remember Clarke in an unrealistic way. But it definitely wasn’t some sort of trick of her mind, it wasn’t the time and the distance either. It’s just Clarke’s own beauty what’s in front of her, and that’s what her memory was always trying to evoke as perfectly as possible. Of course it any image of Clarke falls short to the real one standing in front of her, with her make up a little messed up from drinking, she guesses, it’s still the most beautiful woman she has ever seen and she hates her for it.

She’s been staring. But Clarke’s been too, she’s taking in every feature of Lexa’s face without saying anything and it’s unsettling, being studied like this, feels like being _judged_ , and it’s even more uncomfortable when the look in Clarke’s face changes from shocked to something else entirely.

The sapphire eyes once charming and sweet are now filled with an anger rarely seen on Clarke, she can distinguish that even in the darkness of the room, the frown also helps.

“They’re probably banging each other brain’s out in a hotel, they knew I’d be here all night” Lexa says, answering a question no one asked.

“You’re older” Clarke says after a while, not paying attention to whatever she just said.

Lexa’s a little offended even though the tone is not that harsh.

“So are you”

“It suits you”

“Thank you, the pink tips are a nice touch” Clarke touches her hair like she forgot she had it and then her gaze is back on Lexa, who’s staring back at her, unaware that they’re still standing by the door and they haven’t moved an inch.

It must be a cosmic joke. After knowing that Clarke was living in New York _permanently_ all she wanted to do was avoid any kind of contact, nothing too different to what she has been doing for the past years. But the twisted humor of fate is not something she can fight against, and something brought her straight to her.

It’s not fair, she thinks, it’s not fair that after all the efforts she made to try and keep her in her past - where she is almost certain she deserves to be- a simple act such as Raven forgetting her phone makes them cross paths again, even if it’s just for a minute.

After Clarke, her life was carefully designed to spend the minimum amount of time possible in a bunch of different places, instead of a lot of time in just one. Travelling helped her cope, she discovered it after taking her car and driving away for three days just after she realized they were broken up for good, leaving college and Anya’s calls behind.  
It took a few days for Anya to forgive her, and even longer to stop running. If she even managed to accomplish that at all.

Being somewhere else every few days felt like being _someone_ else for a while. Adjusting to new realities, different ones, was something she was good at. She functioned well in old and glamorous countries like France or Spain, in third world countries like Brazil, in small towns, in big ones. Travelling was her way of finding out she fitted everywhere.

 _Almost_ everywhere. Not in New York, not anymore.

“Why?” Clarke asks in a whisper and Lexa’s taken aback by it, too lost on her own thoughts “Nevermind you know, I’m sorry I even asked” She corrects herself quickly and opens the door even though Lexa’s the one that’s closer to it. “I’m sorry for interrupting this way, I’ll leave you to it”

And she’s gone. She even closes the door so Lexa can’t really see where she’s gone to. All she’s left with is an empty apartment, a heavy loaded question hanging in the air and the sound of a toddler snoring lightly through the babycall.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you thought i had a super original and well planned plot you were kind of wrong, hope you enjoy whatever this is  
> not beta-ed, there are a lot of mistakes probably, i'm sorry about all of them. warning for marijuana usage!

May 5th, 2018

She’s been in New Delhi for four days. She’s still not used to the place and it makes her think that maybe, just maybe she needs to let this area go. Her colleagues seem to fit in the place a lot more than her.

Her recent encounter with Clarke is not helping her at all to focus on the task in front of her. She’s shaken up, aware that her usual routine was disrupted in a way she couldn’t quite figure out yet. Seeing her only provided her mind with fresher images of her face and body and its probably the worst distraction she ever stumbled upon. And let’s not talk about the sudden lack of appetite, common symptom of distress. 

Roan looks like he’s having the time of his life. He tries every local food available and he _always_ likes the taste of it. Lexa thought a couple times that he was lying but then she saw him order the same things again and she just accepted that Roan was probably adapting better than her.

“What’s wrong Lexi?” He asks with a smile when he enters the meeting room.

He’s her only male colleague that is almost as punctual as she is. They’re always the first ones to arrive to their meetings.

Roan’s the living definition of a _gringo_ , she learnt that word while travelling through South America for the first time. With green khakis, a light white shirt and sunglasses way too big, he sits beside Lexa and offers her what seems to be a scone, she declines politely.

“It’s futile to tell you not to call me like that right?” She huffs. “I don’t think this is for me.”

His smile is gone but his features are still gentle. He eats the scone while looking at Lexa and she doesn’t feel threatened or uncomfortable with his silence.

“This job? Lexa you’re excellent at it” He says frowning, perhaps he thought she was joking at first.

He has never complimented her this openly before and it surprises her a little bit, something in her chest grows warmer and a rush of affection for the man suddenly surges.

“Not the whole _job._ Just this city, I accepted the task first because I like the whole process of designing a business plan from scratch but I don’t think I’m doing my best here”

The room is suddenly filled with laughter and deep voices. The bunch of men that work with Lexa arrived together and her relaxed posture is gone, she’s all business now and Roan is as well. 

When they’ve finally shut up and let the meeting begin she doesn’t hesitate to deliver the news, that are news to her as well since she only decided her departure minutes ago, and they all smile knowingly at her. Roan’s the only one that looks concerned.

They think she’s not suited for this. Men always think of her like that and she hates to give them the satisfaction of thinking they’re right. But her mind’s not there. She doesn’t even know where it is exactly, because she just can’t focus.

Once she says Roan will be taking her place the smiles and mirth of her co-workers are long gone. Roan looks at her like she’s grown to heads but then thanks her with a smile.

It’s the first time in years that going back to New York doesn’t seem like a bad idea.

She’s out of the room before anyone can say anything else to her.

//

She’s in the airport, waiting to board when Anya calls her. She thinks twice before answering, the meeting that morning has left her in a weird mood and she’s not ready to put up with whatever her sister might throw at her.

“Hey”

 _“Hey, is everything ok?”_ Anya notices right away.

“I gave up on New Delhi”

 _“Oh, how does that make you feel?”_ Lexa laughs mirthlessly at her sister sounding like a cheap psychology major.

“Awful.” _Weak._

 _“I see you don’t want to talk_ ” Anya says not pushing further.

“I really don’t” Lexa says but she doesn’t hang up, she really needs her sister’s voice right now. “Raven sent me an e-mail”

“ _Oh, she did?”_

“She invited me to her birthday” When she hears nothing from Anya except the sound of a knife chopping something, probably a carrot, she goes on. “Did you tell her to invite me?”

“ _No, I wasn’t aware she did, I swear”_ Anya says quickly, but there’s honesty in her tone.

It surprised her to find the invitation in her inbox. Raven Reyes hasn’t invited her to her birthday in seven years. Not even when she started dating Anya three years ago, being her sister-in-law apparently didn’t mean she had to keep an, at least, civil relationship with Lexa.

As sappy as it may sound, Lexa only cared about her sister being happy and loved. She didn’t really pay much attention to the fact that she wasn’t invited three years in a row to Raven’s birthday. After all, she wouldn’t have attended anyway.

But with Marco in the picture things are changed. She could sense it in the lighter tone Raven uses when she’s around, or in the fact that now they have actual conversations, about Marco most of the times, but at least they can coexist.

“I think I’m bringing Costia” Lexa whispers absentmindedly. “I want you to meet her and, well, she’s going to keep my mind occupied, am I right to assume that Clarke will be there?”

 _“She will. I hope you know what you’re doing_ ”

“I hope that as well”

Leaving India is something she has been wishing for a while, but now that she’s on the plane she’s not as pleased as she thought she would be. The city is actually a lovely one but she abandoned a task, an unfinished task, and left a bunch of white dudes taking care of it.

Maybe the city wasn’t to blame.

She’s sure her bosses will be thrilled to hear the news. They always remind her that she pushes herself too hard and they have recommended her to leave one of her cities in charge of someone else. They just suggested things, they never forced to do anything because they knew that Lexa’s work was impeccable.

So, her bosses are not what she’s concerned about. She finds herself thinking about a topic always present in her discussions with Anya, but never seriously addressed by her until now. She had thought a couple of times what would happen if she ever grew tired of travelling. If the planes suddenly drained too much of her energy and she couldn’t deliver like she always did. And today’s events show her that it might not be such a surreal future. She was tired of New Delhi and instead of working through it she decided to leave and that’s not something she’s proud of.

The only good thing she can make out of it is her growing relationship with Roan. The guy sent her a long ass text thanking her for the opportunity and telling her he owes her a dinner when they find themselves in the same city. It’s more friendly than professional and she’s surprised to find herself being okay with it. After all, Roan was the only colleague that ever asked her how she was, or if she needed any help.

Somehow the news of her departure seen to have spread quickly within the company because Costia sent her an e-mail saying that she shouldn’t be thinking what she’s sure Lexa’s thinking right now. Lexa smiles at the screen, content with having someone that apparently understands what she’s going through.

She replies the kind e-mail with an invitation to her sister in law’s birthday party.

 

//

May 18th, 2018

 She’s in the passenger seat, staring through the window but not focusing in anything in particular. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. She wasn’t supposed to be absent-minded while Costia’s driving to the unknown streets of New York and gets lost a bunch of times.

She should be laughing at Costia’s various attempts to get to Anya’s without a GPS. But instead she’s just silent. She’s not even upset about being late.

Costia’s hand finds her own right after she parks outside her sister’s house.

“Are you sure you want to go in there?” Her voice has never been softer, Lexa nods. “And do you want _me_ to go in there with you?” Another nod. “You know we can go back to the hotel, you can even begin to read one of the books I’ve brought you.” At that Lexa turns to look at her, she’s smiling gently and it’s relaxing.

“Thank you” She says and Costia knows it’s not just for the books.

“We can leave at any time, you know that” She kisses her cheek with such care, barely touching Lexa’s skin.

Her legs are trembling while she waits for the door to be opened, Costia’s hand intertwined with her own brings her a little peace but it’s not enough to calm the feeling of her life becoming too real.

She really is bringing a girl to her sister’s home.

She’s really bringing a girl to a party, fully knowing that Clarke will be there, aware of how stupid she used to get when she was around the blonde. The memory of the party in which she first met Clarke is as vivid as the kiss Costia gave her a few moments ago in the car.

She _never_ drank liquor, she used to stick to wine and enjoy the slight buzz it gave her. But that night at Octavia’s when the blue eyed blonde, captain of her high school’s cheerleading team, held a red cup in front of her, and flashed her the whitest smile she couldn’t say no.

Their first night together was spent mostly at Octavia’s bathroom, Clarke coaxing her to throw up everything she had in her stomach and then tucking her into her friend’s bed, before calling her big sister to come pick her up whenever she could.

She doesn’t remember anything from when Anya arrived and took her to their home, but she does have a clear memory of her sister making fun of her the morning after. _“You do know how to charm your ladies”_ she said, giving her a piece of paper with Clarke’s phone number scrawled in a messy handwriting. _“She even added a heart after her name, you lady killer.”_

It feels too real again, and nothing’s enough to scare the shakiness away.

Raven greets her, or so to say because she opens the door and when she sees Costia she’s gone in a flash. She doesn’t even say hi to her and Lexa hates the cold treatment, she sees discomfort in Costia’s face and tries to kiss it away.

“Whoa there sis, introduce us first” Anya screams from across the room, slurring a little.

Anya must be enjoying that Marco is at Raven’s mother for the night because she never drinks much when he’s around. She shares with her sister the feeling of freedom a good night of drinking provides.

Octavia and Lincoln turn around to greet her sporting matching smiles, she also sees Clarke by Lincoln’s side, but she’s not smiling at her.

The two of them lock eyes and it’s a horrible feeling the one that comes to her when she finds that she can’t read Clarke at all. She doesn’t know how she feels anymore. Distance and time might have done its trick after all because she’s powerless, Clarke has never looked at her the way she does know and that’s probably because she’s not the same Clarke she was seven years ago. This one has a colder gaze and sharper features, at least when she looks at Lexa.

Costia squeezes her hand harder than usual and she realizes she spaced out.

Clarke excuses herself to the bathroom before Lexa can introduce Costia to her small group of friends and family, and Lexa’d be lying if she said she didn’t try to spot Clarke without being too obvious before focusing on telling Lincoln how did Costia and her meet and similar stuff.

She lets Costia do the talking after that. She’s not in the mood to socialize and wishes she could run back to the hotel and maybe follow through with the earlier suggestion about her new books, but Anya’s living room is crawled and that freezes her even more. It’s Costia’s hand what makes her move again and drags her to the kitchen.

“Are you all right?” Costia asks with a frown.

Lexa is about to answer when Anya suddenly appears with a red colored drink in her hand.

“Clarke said she wasn’t feeling well and her fiancée came to pick her up, this is for you, you look like you need a few of this” She handled a bewildered Lexa the drink. “So now woman up and come drink with us, you too Costia”

The bluntness in Anya’s tone makes it seem too ordinary, like they’re back in college parties where people just drink too much, leave the place early and the others must go on with the party. It’s the most normal thing in the world to do while being young, right? People get drunk, people have boyfriends and get engaged. But its _Clarke_ who got drunk, had a boyfriend and got engaged. There’s nothing normal or ordinary in that.

Instead of thinking about Clarke and her fiancée she decides it’s better to resolve this like adults do and fill her body with alcohol, after all, Costia is the designated driver and she at least has to try to make the heavy weight on her chest go away. Otherwise it will just get heavier.

She’s drunk of her ass when Costia drives her back to the hotel.

But the ache is still there.

//

May 19th, 2018

The first thing she notices when she wakes up still half-drunk is the glass of water and the aspirins Costia left for her in her bedtable.

She feels heavy, heavier than other times. And it’s not because of the hungover. Even if her almost thirty-year-old body can’t handle alcohol the way she did in college, Lexa knows very well the events of the previous night are still fresh in her mind and her body reacts to them more than it does to the liquor.

 The ache in her stomach that doesn’t seem to go away with any painkiller, the feeling of having her chest oppressed, the tears she’s holding back absentmindedly. She _wishes_ it was only a hangover.

It starts to get unbearable when she reads the note Costia left for her beside the glass of water. She’s gone, and Lexa doesn’t think she’s ever felt so alone.

//

To her surprise, she gets things done.

Trying to put the events of the night before past her and ignoring the stone that seems tightly coiled in her chest, Lexa drowned herself into work. She started a heavy task that consisted in setting up budges for the make-over of the spa in Madrid’s hotel. She never liked that part of the job because when numbers are involved she needs to focus properly, but this time she thought of it as a chance to give herself a break.

After calling Costia three times and getting into voicemail she really needed something else to fill her mind with. What better than work to do so? Roan’s left a few messages for her, mostly asking a few things he does not understand about Delhi’s budget.

Sometimes she had to calculate the same things a few times, mostly because Clarke Griffin having a fiancée was something circling her mind, even though she didn’t intentionally think of it.

It sucked.

//

May 20th, 2018

There’s a knock at her door and she gets impossibly nervous as she walks to open it. Nobody but Costia had been in that hotel room and the implications of it might bring her a little discomfort.

She stands in the dark there. Her behavior wasn’t the best the night before, she knows that. But she’s not sure what could’ve made Costia so angry to make her leave like that, or hurt? Had she hurt Costia in any way? She wasn’t sure of anything else besides the fact that she fucked up.

At least Clarke wasn’t there to see it.

Every possible scenario she imagined in her mind is futile when she sees Anya was the one knocking. Her sister enters the room without any formality exchanged and goes straight to the mini bar.

“Hey, that’s expensive”

“You can afford it” Anya retorts and pours two glasses of the most expensive whisky she could find, she gives one to Lexa who’s still not sure her sister’s as sane as she should be. “Raven and I had an argument and she kicked me out of the house for tonight”

Lexa doesn’t try to comfort her sister by hugging her, she has the same effect drinking her whisky in one gulp. Anya nods, appreciative, and pours another two glasses.

It’s the typical Woods method of catharsis. Drinking was something they did a lot when Lexa was in college, especially after their parents passed away. They very much preferred staying at home, drinking her sorrows away and yelling at each other every other night than spending a lot of money on therapists and stuff.

After the second glass and minutes of silent regretting, Anya took of her shoes and is now sprawled on the sofa, with a half-buzzed Lexa sitting in an expensive looking computer chair. The Madrid budgets and Roan’s emails are long forgotten now.

“She’s jealous of Ontari” Anya says laughing mirthlessly. “Ontari, the most out of my league woman in the world, is making Raven jealous”

“Ontari?” Lexa’s not sure she follows.

“The world-famous singer? The one that I’ve been representing? For fuck’s sake, you do live under water”

She’s not the most attentive person when it comes to following her sister’s career, she knows that. Anya’s been a lawyer for quite some time now and she’s aware she’s won a solid reputation and recently has been working with a few famous names, apparently there are a lot of celebrities getting divorced nowadays.

“What’s with her?”

Anya stands up and goes to the bar again, this time opening a bottle of red wine, Lexa thanks her mentally for that choice. When she comes back she handles her sister a glass of it.

“Nothing’s with her. I’ve been working harder than ever because I don’t know if you’re aware but I’m kind of successful now, and coming home later every night” She checks her phone but since Raven probably hasn’t called she throws it to the pillows. “Ontari calls almost _every day_ to my phone to check her divorce’s status and we’ve become quite close, as close as any client and lawyer can get without being friends, and somehow this upsets Raven”

Lexa looks at her a suspiciously. Her sister hasn’t looked at her, not once, since she began her story and that’s unsettling. She hopes, for the love of god, that Anya hasn’t done anything stupid.

“I had a crush on her” She admits under Lexa’s gaze. “I told Raven that when I was in my last year of college I had a crush on her, a _celebrity crush¸_ how could I know back then that she would hire me thirteen years later?  This is stupid” Anya finishes and leaves her cup on the floor.

She tries calling Raven but she’s probably sent into voicemail, again.

“So… you fought over a crush you had thirteen years ago” The wine is having wonderful effects on her, she even finds this funny.

“Partially”

“There’s more to it? What? You had her sign a poster for you?” she jokes.

“She’s mad at me because I didn’t warn her about you bringing Costia the other night” Anya says quietly, as if she didn’t want to let it out but somehow, she found herself unable not to.

Lexa feels painfully sober again.

“Explain yourself”

Her sister takes a big breath and she knows it’s not good. She wishes she could go back a few hours when she only had to worry about Costia being a runaway lover.

“She’s been upset about the fact that we’ve been almost _scheduling_ your visits and Clarke’s, I’ve always told her not to visit us when I knew you were around” Lexa’s nodding without wanting to, urging her sister to get to the point. “She thinks it’s unfair, and that you should stop behaving like a child…”

“I’ve never asked for you to…”

“I know, I know, kiddo. You never asked me to do it but I had to anyways, I know you weren’t ready to see her, I know it’s been god knows how many years and you’re still hurting, and I wanted to protect you, like I’ve always tried to do” She remembers now why drunk Anya isn’t her favorite, she feels her eyes water at the admission. Is not something she didn’t know about, but it still makes her emotional “And we’ve always tried to distance ourselves from the problem you and Clarke represent as much as we could, we agreed on not talking details about it when we started dating, remember when I told you I started seeing Raven?”

“I wasn’t happy at first” Lexa concedes.

She was in one of her favorite places in the world when she got a call from Anya. Not even the tropical climate and the sound of the weird species of birds she had never seen before could calm her when she heard that her sister had asked Raven Reyes out. 

She knew Anya’s firm at the time was working in patents of some sort of experiment in which Raven’s lab was involved in. She found that an incredible sign of how much fate liked to laugh at her. She’d spent the previous four years having nothing to do with Clarke or that part of her past, and suddenly her sister is spending an awful amount of time with Clarke’s best friend. The world is as big as ridiculous.

She didn’t say anything awful or regretful to Anya. It is true, and it will always be, that she wants nothing but the best for her. She’d always thought highly of Raven despite her being Clarke’s best friend, she considered the brunette would make great girlfriend for Anya, but she had her doubts that Raven was the best for _herself_.

She carefully kept Anya almost in the dark of her rupture with Clarke. She had told her the reasons that led to that ending, but asked her not to dig into it. She wasn’t strong enough to give her details and she didn’t want to dwell on it either. She just wanted to stay away from everything that kept her from sleeping properly at night, or took away her appetite during the day.

She hoped the figure of Raven Reyes in her sister’s life didn’t bring up any information about Clarke’s whereabouts, or any memory from her.

“Well, since Clarke’s been an active part of Marco’s life, she thinks its best if you learn how to coexist with her, and apparently, she had told Clarke not to bring Finn to the party in order to avoid making it weird for you”

She’s not sure the effect of those last words have on her. She’s selfishly hurting to hear that her nephew has Clarke participating actively in his life, and also wants to hug Raven Reyes for thinking about her that way.

She’s not sure what she’d done if she found herself in the same room as Clarke and the guy she’s spending her life with. She’s sure Costia’s sweet and reassuring hand in her own wouldn’t be enough to calm her nerves and prevent her from running away to the next plane destined to some remote place.

It’s scary to think Clarke has that effect on her, after everything she’s done to stop having her life dictated by her, or the memory of her.   

“Well, according to Raven this was her chance to give Marco a normal relationship with both of her closer aunts and you ruined it” When Lexa seems unfazed Anya has to clarify. “You bringing Costia ended up with the same result as if Clarke had brought Finn”

“That makes no sense” Lexa retorts immediately.

How could anyone compare her poor coping mechanism to Clarke’s? She’s the broken one. She’s the one that can’t get herself together even after seven years of being alone 

and having done many “self-discovering” trips to try and compose herself back. Of course, none of those trips have had the desired effect, though she did found herself more interested in Buddhism after them.

“You were the love of her life too, apparently”

There must be acid revolving in her stomach because otherwise she couldn’t explain the sudden need to rip that part of her body off.

“She _broke_ us, Anya” Lexa raises her voice, fighting back treacherous tears that threaten to roll down her cheeks. “She…”

“Stop it, please” Anya asks covering her face with the closest pillow she can get. “Raven and I are in trouble right now, we can talk all about how Clarke broke your heart another time, if you feel like seven years were enough time to start spilling details”

Her sister is so right she doesn’t fight back the sarcasm. Instead, she takes away the wine and the whisky that’s left and busies herself in ordering thai food. Anya plugs her phone in the charger and gets in comfy clothes, ready to stay the night.

It breaks her heart when she sees Marco’s happy face as Anya’s screen saver. He looks so happy in that picture, and Anya’s so miserable on the bed beside her.

The sadness of the scene almost makes her forget all about her personal miseries. _Almost_ , because she was never able to escape any of them in the past. Not even travelling to the end of the world was enough to leave everything behind.

She sees in her sister’s state the reflection of how she must’ve been acting all those years. She can’t imagine having to deal with a gloomy Anya for more than a year, she’s not sure how could she manage to put up with her for seven.

She owed her sister more. She owed her to heal properly in order to be a functioning human being for her nephew. A _happy_ one, not only functional. She quickly decides to take action and start fixing her life and her family’s.

She would try and contact Costia in the morning. She would get back to work and reply Roan’s emails and maybe set a date for their dinner.

She would find a way to talk more than three words with Raven. Maybe she’d have to wait until her sister solves her problems with her wife first. And then is her turn.

She’d make her life work.  

//

29th May, 2018.

Anya’s gone when she wakes up.

She searches for a note but there isn’t one. Anya’s sent a text instead. Raven called her in the middle of the night apparently and she ran to her house as quickly as she could. She’s about to mock Anya for being such a lesbian before seeing she has another message, Costia wants to talk.

This is a sign, she thinks. She promised herself yesterday to start focusing on fixing every fuck up that is holding her back. Costia ending the radio silence is a signal that she’s in the right path.

Or maybe it isn’t. Costia’s words aren’t as sweet and kind as they used to be. But aren’t harsh either, just different.

 _“Sorry I left in such way, I was angry but it wasn’t completely your fault and I needed someone to blame”_ There’s a lot of background noise, Costia must be in the street, she thinks.

“Have you found someone to blame then?”

She can sense she got a smile out of Costia.

_“Yeah, the new intern, I might’ve yelled him a little”_

“Poor guy” Lexa says as she takes a sip of her coffee. They haven’t addressed in detail anything from the night Costia left and it feels like they’re avoiding the topic. They’ve exchanged apologies but she knows it’s not enough. “I have to stop by Madrid for a couple days to yell at my Spanish interns, is it okay if I go visit you right after that?” Asking for permission is new. She just used to land in Paris, and _then_ ask Costia if they could meet.

“ _Uh, I might have my sister staying with me for a few days_ …”

“I’ll stay in a hotel” Lexa assures quickly.

She wasn’t even thinking about occupying Costia’s apartment. The relationship, if she could call her that, is not in a place to pretend everything is exactly like before. She’s aware of it and it sucked that Costia thought she wouldn’t understand it.

“ _Then yes, I’ll see you in a couple days_ ” Costia sounds much more relaxed before hanging up.

That was the start. When she leaves her phone back in the kitchen table she’s thinking whether to visit Raven without notifying her first or ask Anya if she could stop by that afternoon.

She has a lot to deal with.

//

“ _The guys’ve been asking about you”_

“Don’t lie to me, Roan” She laughs mirthlessly while she focuses on her Uber driver, he’s been driving with only one hand on the wheel and it’s making her crazy.

“ _Well they haven’t, but I think they miss you somehow, everything’s a lot messier since you left”_

The background noise she knows so well is something she doesn’t miss at all. Roan’s company, on the other hand, she does.

“I’m sure you handle yourself perfectly”

“ _Kinda, yes, but I’m bored, I have to be a serious guy now and I can’t laugh at your poor breakfast choices”_

 _“_ My breakfast was perfect thank you, yours really worried me”

“ _Ha ha, you’re probably missing my incredible cooking skills, poor you”_

“Not at all, actually. You don’t sound like you have a work emergency, did you call me just to make fun of me?”

“ _Yes.”_

“Bye, Roan” She hangs up listening to Roan’s laugh on the other side of the line.

 The smile on her face must be big because her Uber driver is giving her a knowing look through the rear-view mirror.

She wishes she could explain she’s too gay for whatever the guy’s imagining, but the car has stopped just in front of Anya’s house.

 

//

“I’m surprised to see you here” Raven says breaking the silence. “you came just to see Marco?”

He’s no longer paying attention to her and she feels obliged to gaze up and face her sister in law, who’s looking straight at her.

“No, I’m actually here to apologize to you”

“This might be good, continue” The brunette slowly makes herself comfortable in the arm chair in front of Lexa,

With her legs thrown upon the arm board she’s the definition of youth.

“I don’t fully know, or understand, what your plan was for Clarke and I on the night of your birthday, I’m just sorry because I feel like I ruined something and that affected your relationship with my sister and I had to watch her being a mess and I feel guilty about it” She’s not sure she’s breathed in the middle of her apology.

“My plan was to have a normal evening with our closest friends” Raven explains. “I was mad when you and your girlfriend showed up because I knew how it would end, I predicted Clarke would lose her shit”

The word “girlfriend” was cringeworthy, yes, but she’s paid little attention to it in order to focus on the Clarke part, as usual.

“That’s the part I don’t feel guilty for” She sees Raven sit straighter and almost regrets her words. “We’re like this because of _her,_ she has no right to act heartbroken after everything _I_ have been through”

When she stops staring at her hands and looks at Raven she deeply knows she shouldn’t have spilled her thoughts like that. One of the adjectives that described her sister in law perfectly was “intimidating”, she has in this moment the look of a mad person ready to fight someone.

“You selfish _bitch_ ” She spits, “She’s suffered like you have, you wouldn’t be surprised if you hadn’t run away like the coward you are…”

“Honey I’m home!” Anya’s chippery voice interrupts Raven’s rage and Lexa’s never been more relieved to see her sister. “What’s going on?” She asks with the serious tone Lexa’s so used to hear.

“I came here to apologize and tell Raven that I’m willing to keep it civil when Clarke’s around” Anya’s eyebrows almost touch her hair right now. “You were right, I can’t ask you to make her disappear, she’s not going to”

“She _doesn’t have to_ , you just have to keep your pain to yourself and stop rubbing it on everyone’s faces like it’s _their_ problem” Raven spits and Anya is quickly by her side, as if her presence would prevent her from saying anything else.

She’d be lying if she said it didn’t hurt. How miserable she feels is partly because she might never achieve a civil relationship with Raven after this, and that’s because she’s _right._

She had nothing to do with her break up with Clarke. She actually acted correctly by not involving, just the same as Anya did. She just needed someone to blame at that time and Raven was an easy target. She never intruded, she never asked. And Lexa took that as an invitation to make her part of something she wasn’t involved with, she treated her with 

the distance you treat someone you know is a good person but wronged you at some point of your life. She wasn’t _mean_ to her, but she wasn’t fair to her either.

And Raven never confronted her from it, never asked her to be friends like before, never begged for forgiveness.

Her sister in law let her be mad at her for as long as she wished and maybe she took her indifference as if she was taking a _side,_ Clarke’s side.  It hurt her even worse to think she was actually mad at her for not involving. For not asking, not trying to tell her Clarke’s side of the story.

She took her silence as a confirmation and not as the sign of respect it was.

Lexa leaves the house with a nod and her sister doesn’t follow her. She’s seen Lexa processing truths before and knows she just needs tome time alone.

//

She hasn’t touched the Madrid budgets since she came back from Raven’s. Watching Rick and Morty was by far more attractive. She’s really paying attention to the weird cartoon when her phone rings.

_“Hey Lexi, have you checked your email today?”_

_“_ Yes Roan, I sent you what you asked for thirty minutes ago”

“ _Are you ok?”_

“I don’t think so”

“ _Where are you?”_

“New York”

“ _Still? Is there a lady keeping you occupied?”_

 _“_ Something like that”

“ _Have you switched teams?”_

 _“_ What? Ugh”

_“Yeah, dudes are gross. I’m glad you’re still a lesbian”_

_“_ Thank you for checking”

_“I’ll do it every once in a while, and if you ever tell me you realized you’re straight I’ll throw myself out of a window, my funeral will be pretty chill, you shouldn’t miss it”_

She laughs and its refreshing.

“That’s what I call a supportive ally”

_“Hey, what are pals for, right? I have to hang up, I have a meeting with a few investors, wow, how successful did that make me sound? Huh? Call me when you have time, I hope you get better”_

She really hopes she can call him soon.

_//_

6th June, 2018.

She’s been in Madrid for four days and she’s exhausted only to think about catching a plane that will leave her in Paris in just a few hours.

The make over of the spa turns out to have more issues than planned and she’s been the past days talking to investors and construction firms to finance the project’s setbacks. It’s quite tiring. The least favorite part of her job is the economic one. She wishes she could focus only on the research tasks.

She lands in Paris and although the flight was quite short she feels more tired than she probably should. Costia’s car is not waiting for her and the taxi driver treats her a little roughly.

She hasn’t been in the hotel her job provides in more than a few months. The last times she’s worked here she always stayed at Costia’s. It was comfortable and surprisingly easy to share a space with her.

She still can’t believe things have changed so much that she can’t see herself being in a room alone with Costia. They aren’t fighting. But something broke and not knowing _what_ only makes the situation worse. Is she there to fix whatever is broken? To make sure Costia and her remain friendly? Are they still dating? Have they ever _really_ dated?

She’d have to find out.

//

 “I don’t know why but you always call on unfortunate times” She greets.

“ _Maybe you’re having quite a lot of unfortunate times”_

 _“_ Maybe you’re just annoying”

“ _I wanted to check on you”_

This warms her heart a bit.

“I’m about to visit someone that might’ve been my girlfriend but we had sort of an argument and now I’m not so sure if we’re even friends”

“ _That’s a lot of uncertainty for just one person to handle”_

 _“_ I know, right? I’m literally shaking, she’s never made me this nervous”

“ _Is she the New York chick?”_

 _“_ You couldn’t be more wrong”

“ _That’s what the investors tell me at every meeting, I’ve learnt to take that as a compliment”_ She laughs only because her confidence in Roan lets her know that’s only just a joke.

“You do know how to make a colleague trust you”

“ _Why would you waste your time trusting me? You should trust yourself and your choices, you could convince someone to build a waterpark on a desert, Lexa”_

“That must be the most awkward compliment anyone has ever told me”

“ _Did it work?”_

“Yes” There’s a tiny smile in her factions and she owes it to Roan. “Thank you, you’re too kind to me”

“ _Yeah, I am. Next time I’ll yell at you for a change”_

“I gotta go now, thank you for calling and for putting up with me, don’t set Delhi on fire”

“ _Can’t promise anythi…”_

_//_

Turns out Costia and her aren’t really dating. Maybe they used to date but right now Costia doesn’t want anything to do with her. She was pretty clear about that.

They only were together for two hours. Costia gave her some flowers and wished her a happy birthday and to find solace with someone else. Lexa never thought she would hate how direct Costia was, but she does right now.

She’s wandering in Paris, walking on a park that’s close to Costia’s apartment when she hears a particular ringtone.

“Roan, now is not a good time…”

_“I wanted to check on you”_

_“_ Still a lesbian.”

“ _Great, happy birthday, bye”_

//

The romantic dinner for one she’s at is not really fun. She wishes Anya was with her at least, or maybe Roan.

The universe decided to take pity on her because on this exact moment her sister is calling her.

_“Hi Lex, how’s everything?”_

_Fucked up._

“Everything’s fine. I’m in Paris at the moment but I’m travelling to NY tomorrow”

“ _Already coming back? How’s Costia?”_

She should’ve prepared a good answer to this.

“She’s fine. Kind of broke up with me”

_“At least now you’re sure you were dating”_

“Ha ha, very funny. Don’t you have work to do?”

_“Oh I almost forgot, its convenient that you’re coming back so soon because Lincoln told me he’s organizing a party to celebrate something he didn’t reveal, he says it’s important”_

“Octavia’s pregnant.”

“ _Yeah, what else could it be? Just show up and act surprised”_

“I’ll think about it.”

“ _I hate that line of yours, I hope you get drunk tonight, you deserve it after being dumped on your birthday”_

“You’re not being really helpful”

Anya laughs before hanging up.

Against all odds, she’s not doubting about going back to New York. She’s sure she needs to see her nephew and spend some time with her sister too, they seem to be the only people she hasn’t screwed up with.

It’s kind of awkward to think Roan fits in that category too.

She’s convinced it’s a good idea to be in her hometown, even if it involves seeing Clarke again. Of course they’d meet again. Lincoln wouldn’t exclude her from his little reunion.

It’s half wonderful and half frustrating how Clarke managed to befriend all of her group during college. It worked perfectly when they were together, but they never really 

thought about what would happen to the group dynamics if they’d ever were to break up.

They never thought they would _ever_ break up.

Maintaining friendships was quite easy with Clarke away, but the gang living together in the same town was something out of ordinary and worth celebrating. She wonders how long Clarke has been living in New York and why they didn’t stumbled upon each other before.

She’d have to ask Anya if Lincoln and Octavia were part of her little defense team.

//

June 8th, 2018

She’s sure Marco’s grown at least three inches since she last saw him. Anya dismisses the idea saying she should get her eyes checked.

Her phone ringing distracts her from her nephew’s clumsy advances and he scores an _actual_ goal this time. He’s giggling happily when she takes the call.

_“Hey you”_

“Hey”

_“Aren’t you the nicest? Is this one of your unfortunate times?”_

_“_ I’m starting to think my life is one big ass unfortunate time”

_“Would it be less unfortunate if I told you I’m in New York for a couple days?”_

“For real?”

_“Yup, I have some work to do but I can arrange it, do you still want to meet?”_

“Can I call you later to confirm when? I’m at my sisters right now”

_“Sure you can, just don’t deprive me of your company any longer, I’m a sensitive guy”_

The smile this suscites is genuine and her sister is eyeing her suspiciously. She hangs up and Anya wiggles her eyebrows at her.

“Who was _that?_ ”

“You’re more delusional than I thought if you think I’d be into someone else that quickly”

 _Or ever again._ She keeps that thought to herself.

“So, Costia then?”

She almost cringes at the name.

“Roan, actually, he’s a friend from work”

“Never heard of him before”

“Our friendship is a recent development”

“I can’t say I’m not intrigued, you used to say all of your colleagues where useless human beings, is he not human?”

She smiles and looks for Marco, his giggles let them know he’s in the bathroom probably playing with the toilet paper again.

“Definitely human, you could meet him if you want to check, he’s in New York for a few days.”

“Oh, is he? Why don’t you bring him to Lincoln’s?” She’s looking at Anya like she’s grown a second head. “Don’t tell Raven I suggested it though”

“Are you using me to get a divorce?”

“God, no. I’m just trying to help you out, with everything that’s going on and Clarke being there I can only imagine it’s gonna be hard for you not to panic, maybe if you had someone to distract you it will be easier for you”

“You do realize this is exactly the same idea that brought Costia to your house”

“Yes, but no one there will think you’re fucking Roan”

Marco reappears looking exhausted and settles in Lexa’s lap yawning adorably. She shouldn’t let him sleep since it’s early and her sister in law would probably hate her more if she’s woken up by a toddler with renewed energy at two in the morning.

But he’s so adorable when he’s asleep.

//

11th June, 2018.

Tired of breaking everything she touches, she chooses to ask Raven if she could bring Roan to the party. It’s a weak offer of truce, also. Her sister in law agrees to it not without a subtle comment about how unable she is to handle this like an adult.

With “like an adult” she means _alone._ And “this” has a name, and it’ Clarke.

She’s also tired of Raven being right about her life and decisions, but is unable to do anything to change it. She’d rather admit her flukes and actually try to get better instead of going alone and hoping for the best.

Roan picks her up in time and he’s in the middle of telling her all the progress he and his team have made in Delhi when they arrive to Lincoln’s home.

//

Turns out Octavia is indeed pregnant. Very pregnant, they’re expecting twins. Lincoln’s delighted with the idea of having two baby girls, he says he’d be the happiest guy in the world if they turn out to be just like Octavia.

Lexa’s almost crying at the display of affection. Lincoln’s kissing her girlfriend on the head while everybody greets them and congratulates them.

She feels a hand on her shoulder and wants to shake it off as soon as she sees it’s Roan’s. He’s looking at the happy couple with a tiny smile on his face.

“I’m feeling quite teary for these two people I know nothing about, what are you doing to me, Woods?”

It’s Clarke’s turn to hug Octavia now and she wishes she could look away. It’s been almost an hour since they arrived, Clarke was already in the house and stood by Bellamy ever since. They saw each other across the room  (Roan insisted on staying near a bar that Lincoln had set up), but neither of them made a move to go and say hi to the other.

This wasn’t what a _civil_ relationship looked like.

But she’s not sure how to proceed. Should she intrude in Clarke’s bubble and _force_ her to greet her? If she hasn’t until now it’s maybe because she didn’t want to do it. She had the chance to do so when Bellamy approached Lexa and greeted her with a forced smile.

He had always been on Clarke’s side. Maybe because he was irrevocably in love with her. Clarke would never admit that but Lexa could bet her life on it. He just wasn’t an overprotective friend, he was _the_ overprotective friend that’s also in love, “ _that’s the difference between him and Wells, Clarke, he’d wipe me out if he could”_ Clarke used to laugh at those accusations but never contradicted her, she just made sure Lexa wasn’t jealous of him.

“I think you’re slowly turning into a human being” She answered. Clarke was crying and the pull of longing she felt at that image was nothing she experienced before. The urge to hold her like she did before was almost as strong as her determination to get over her.

Well, maybe stronger. A lot stronger.

“Haven’t you greeted them yet?” She didn’t sense Anya standing by her side and she flinched just a bit.

“I don’t want to overwhelm them, maybe when I’m drunker”

“I’m gonna take care of that” Roan pipped up.

“I already like you” Anya smiled at him and then left to involve Lincoln in a hug.

Maybe because she saw her sister in law approach the happy couple with Marco in her arms or maybe because whisky put her un a melancholic mood, she felt a sudden pang of _jealously_ at the image of her friends forming their families.

She was happy for them, of course she was, but seeing something so impossible for her to accomplish happening right in front of her eyes was not something easy to digest. She had thought about forming a family at some point in her life, but the career path she took and the way she chose to live didn’t quite match with the whole wife and children life.

And she could never imagine loving a woman so much to marry her.

She had felt that kind of love that makes you tremble once, and it was enough. She made her peace with the fact that some things never happen the same way twice. Or with the same intensity at least.

“I think the girl in the white dress fancies me” Roan’s voice brought her back to reality.

She has to scan the room to recognize who he is talking about. When she spots her she tries to stifle her laugh with the back of her hand.

“Harper? She has a husband and _three_ kids, Roan, and none of them is yours”

“Man, that’s a bummer” He finishes his whisky in one gulp and immediately pours to more. “Wanna go outside? I brought a joint we could share”

“I haven’t smoked in a while”

“You brought me to a party where every hot girl is taken, you _owe_ me” he protested.

“Not _all_ of them. There are a few that I don’t know about, maybe they’re available”

“I didn’t like any of them, c’mon” He gives her the extra whisky he poured and she takes it without putting up a fight.

It’s nicer outside. The music can barely be heard and there’s a soft breeze that drives the sweet smell of the weed right to her nose.

Roan’s talking quietly about something she doesn’t comprehend or maybe doesn’t want to pay attention to. He laughs at nothing and she follows, she’s suddenly glad she found  

a friend in him. The rush of affection than whisky and pot can summon is powerful to say at least.

The quietness of the atmosphere is broken obstreperously when the door slams open and Marco appears running straight towards Lexa. He stops in his tracks when he sees she’s not alone, and looks at Roan with a frown before smiling widely at him.

Roan wiggles his eyebrows and Lexa finds it the funniest thing she’s seen all night and burst into laughter, Marco follows and turns around to see if aunty Clarke is laughing too.

Clarke is standing three feet behind Marco and looks at the scene in front of her with a frown. When Lexa registers her presence she stops laughing.

“I have to take him inside, Raven and Anya are leaving” She explains.

Lexa see’s Roan in her peripheral vision stand up and grab his nephew’s small hand, Marco starts running as soon as it happens.

“Don’t worry, I got it!” Roan shouts while he sprints inside.

Clarke stays a few more seconds with apparently nothing to say, Lexa just looks at her with a million things in the tip of her tongue.

“Wait!” She pleads when the blonde starts to turn away.

To her surprise, Clarke stops and faces her again. In this light, her eyes are darker than usual and its maddening how good that makes her look.

This is her opportunity to start building a _civil_ relationship. She has to make peace with Clarke’s presence and let her know about it. After years of running and avoiding to have meaningful conversations she finds herself _pleading_ the girl she’s been running from to talk. She’d laugh at the irony another day, right now she has a bunch of stuff to let out and very little imagination on _how_ to let that stuff out.

“I don’t know if you’ve talked to Raven recently, but _I_ have and she’s worried about us” She’s content with the way that came out. Starting with context is never a bad choice.

“ _Us?”_ Clarke spits.

“She’s worried we’re not giving Marco the full _aunty_ experience” She’s not sure how she’s still sitting in that bench staring at Clarke’s face.

She’s not sure if it feels like a dream or a nightmare.

Clarke’s face is not soft and gentle as she remembers. At least not in front of her. She looks so _stern_ it's disturbing.

“Oh” Her face softens in understanding for one second. “And?”

“I’m willing to put everything behind me” It sounds more hopeful than she expected and she doesn’t want to give Clarke the wrong idea. “I mean, I can’t forget everything you’ve done but I can act like it, for Marco’s sake”

Clarke’s face shows a mix of confusion, disbelief and _anger._ Lexa doesn’t know what to do when her face just keeps showing more and more anger every second that passes.

“Everything _I_ have done?” Clarke asks with her eyes closed shut.” “I can’t believe you have the nerve” Clarke’s voice is filled with venom. “You were the one who decided we were not worth it”

“That’s not what happened” Lexa defends herself. Her voice sounds constricted, it’s a reflex of how she feels inside. The knot in her stomach that’s been present for a couple years feels ready to implode.

She could blame the whiskies, or the marijuana, but she’s not a hypocrite.

“Wasn’t it? Then what happened? Tell me, or better, try telling the eighteen-year-old girl irrevocably in love with you why you stopped answering her texts, why you blocked her number and her mum’s number too, tell her why you _vanished_ without a word of goodbye” Clarke’s pain is visible in her face as her rage is, her blue eyes are tainted with red from holding tears back.

“You were happier without me.”

Clarke laughs ironically.

“Why on earth would you think that?”

Lexa closes her eyes and exhales, trying to calm herself down. She has imagined this scenario a thousand times the days following the break up. She has seen Clarke in her mind telling her that they just didn’t work anymore and that it was a true call to end things up.

She wants to say so many things, but she’s afraid Clarke would tell her to stop dramatizing everything, that nobody died. After all, they were still alive and functioning. Clarke has just opened a gallery in New York and that has always been one of her most desired dreams, and Lexa had one of the most important jobs in her field and travelled a lot. They were just fine as adults. She’s not sure to show her pain and be told that it isn’t _that_ big of a deal.

“We weren’t talking much.” She began “You always ended our phone calls first, telling me you had stuff to do. At first I thought it was normal, you know? You had recently moved to another country, another _continent,_ and you were building your new life. But a month passed and everything stayed practically the same, I remember calling you one day because I hadn’t heard from you in two days, nothing, not a text, and you answered laughing, I heard a guy laughing in the back too.” She looks at Clarke and it aches. Every pain she spent the last months trying to erase is back again, even the hole she carefully filled with Paris and Costia. “That call lasted less than a minute, it felt like a sign, it felt like you distancing yourself from me in the most painful way, paying no attention to me” She doesn’t know in which moment she started to cry but she needs to wipe the tears out of her face with the back of her hand to keep talking. “I spent the whole night crying in my dorm and my roommate had to sleep at her boyfriend’s because I yelled her to leave me alone” She can’t stand to look at Clarke but she knows her gaze is fixed on her. “I stalked your Facebook when I woke up and I found a photo of you with a bunch of your classmates and a guy had her arm on your waist and I lost it, I blocked your number, I told Anya to stay away from it and dropped out of school for a month”

When she gazes up, Clarke’s looking at her, not bothering to wipe her tears. Still feeling as shitty as she feels right now she has the need to wipe them away.

“So you decided to vanish instead of talking to me” Clarke shoots.

“YOU weren’t talking to me!” Lexa yells and it surprises them both. “We were drifting apart and you were _happy_ ¸ even with the small amount of conversation we had I could still sense you were so happy about your new school and new friends and I couldn’t mirror that, I was as miserable as ever”

Her gaze is fixed on the empty glass of whisky in her hand. There’s a few ashes of the joint inside of it and the situation feels a lot less intense if she stares at it.

She’s not looking but she senses Clarke’s sit beside her, their knees barely touching. She wouldn’t say that touch was _electrical_ because she’s not that dramatic but she’d be lying if she said she didn’t feel anything. This is the closest she’s been to Clarke in seven years.

“Yes, I was happy” Lexa looks at her and she’s surprised to feel that something else seems to break inside her. She thought Clarke had already broken everything she had to be broken. “I was happy about moving, England made me happy, my friends too, my classes were everything I dreamt of and more, I was excited with all the art projects I had to make, but mostly I was that happy because I thought I also had you” She touches Lexa’s hand like she might break. “After I realized you were gone I, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I missed my classes for three days but I couldn’t miss anymore because they would revoke my scholarship so I tried to heal in any way I could, but it was hard as fuck because you left me like a ghost, I remember thinking that you realized you were too good for me and you didn’t want me to hurt me by telling me that.”

Lexa snaps and looks at her.

“I would never…”

“You hurt me too, Lexa” Clarke interrupts, and looks straight into her eyes. “You were so up your ass that you thought I would move on easily after you? I fucked up, I admit it, I mistreated you, but I don’t think I deserve to be thought of as someone who didn’t care for you”

Clarke leaves her side and enters the house so quickly that if she had blinked she would have missed it.

That was not how Lexa supposed her talk would go. Not that she had a clear picture of herself talking to Clarke because that was something almost _surreal_ for a lot of time. And now that it happened it still doesn’t feel quite real.

What does feel quite real is the acid almost wearing away her insides. She can feel the walls containing painful memories that she spent years building being tore down painfully.

The story she told herself was one in which Clarke was a villain who corrupted everything good Lexa ever had. It sounds exaggerated but a broken heart always makes up amazing stories in order to find healing.

And she thought she had found healing, but she’s aware she only found a lens that turned everything blurry.

When Roan finds her she is not crying. She doesn’t have the strength to.

Her friend doesn’t ask too many questions and drops her by her hotel not without making her promise first she’d call him in the morning. She’s so gone she probably won’t remember that the following morning.

All the alcohol she had is now pulling her towards her bed in an attempt to shut her mind off for a few hours and try to compose herself.

She’s thinking her night couldn’t have gone more wrong when her phone vibrates. She puts her password wrong two times before getting it right.

 **Unknown number:** i think you broke us, again.

She doesn’t need to confirm that number is Clarke’s. She doesn’t even want to find out how she got her number, she just focuses on dialing Roan’s number as quickly as possible and praying he’s not that far away from her apartment.

//

“Isn’t it weird that I’m trying to talk some sense into you?” He asks with both hands on the wheel, he drives fast and reminds Lexa of one of the guys from the Fast and Furious movies.

“I think I lost all sanity” She’s looking out of the window, trying to distract herself.

“You’re drunk and not sure if she’s living in her old apartment, going there is borderline creepy”

“Just drive”

//

It takes them less than ten minutes to reach Clarke’s old apartment and Lexa’s not sure where does the force to get out of the car and ring the bell comes from. Some kind of blind compulsion is making her not question anything and just _act_.

Clarke’s text was a detonator. She’d start to face her biggest problem right now or she’d probably never do it. If she doesn’t confront Clarke right now she’d have to wait until the next time they cross paths and the atmosphere might not be as heavy as it is right now, but the talk has already began and she just knows this is her chance to finally change her life. 

That's the censored part of her brain talking. The uncensored one is just trying to prove that she didn't break anything  _again,_ __that something is there hanging between them, untouched and sacred.

When Clarke opens the door she’s forgotten everything she was supposed to say.

“I guess you didn’t block my new number” Clarke greets.

“You can’t say stuff like that” The first thing that comes to mind is not probably a good strategy, but its all she’s got.

“Why not? You did worse to me”

Clarke’s trying to hurt her. Somehow this talk turned into a battle and she can’t distinguish who’s losing. On another occasion she’d say she is, but there’s pain and rage in Clarke’s eyes, there’s a desire to fight that doesn’t belong to someone who just doesn’t care.

Clarke cares. And Lexa’s always cared. Maybe they’re both losing.

“I’m trying to fix that, put that behind us” Clarke doesn’t respond for a while, just looks at her and Lexa starts fidgeting, unsure of how to proceed. “This” she points at Clarke and then herself. “makes no sense, I was almost sure you had forgotten me, with Finn and all that” The bitter taste in her mouth is as real as Clarke’s beautiful presence in front of her.

Clarke’s expression changes and its almost comical right now.

“What does he have to do with anything?” Lexa hates she doesn’t have a correct answer for that. “Lexa are you _jealous?”_

Lexa scoffs and loathes herself for not being a better liar.

“You’re _engaged_ , It’s logical to think you’ve put everything we had behind you”

“What was I supposed to do? Mourn over you?” Clarke almost spits, ignoring Lexa’s weak explanation. “Of course not, I’ve moved on, Lexa”

“So have I” Lexa raises her voice and it surprises them both.

Clarke looks directly at her eyes and smirk bitterly. Lexa’s not even sure if she’s the one taking a step closer at her or if it’s Clarke who’s moving.

“Oh, you have?” Lexa nods firmly “Then why are you at _my_ door in the middle of the night?” Clarke retorts and the proximity makes Lexa feel dizzy.

“Because I haven’t done that at all”

Her lips collide on Clarke’s and so does her will to stand up to her and prove her she’s a grown woman that can live by her choices. It all crumbles down and she’s just a girl in love. It’s all she needs to be, she realizes, with Clarke responding to her touch, to her kisses, she doesn’t need to prove anything except that she’s worth it, after all these years she’s still worth it.

And it being too real scares her, of course it does. But she shoves the feeling down. Clarke’s kissing her with her lips closed and she licks the bottom lip of the blonde to send a message that’s successfully received. Once she can kiss her more fully and deeply her legs are trembling even more than before and Clarke has to grab her by the waist with a stronger grip so they don’t collapse in Clarke’s front door.

When they pull apart for air Clarke Griffin still has her eyes closed and a smile creeping up her face.

It’s so surreal, beautiful and _heavy_ that she needs to stay away and breathe properly to avoid combusting. Her mind is dizzy and her limbs are shaking, she _craves_ stability. She sees Roan’s car is still parked a few meters from her and she sprints to it, not before pecking Clarke on the lips.

Clarke’s left with a confused smile on her face while she watches Roan’s car drive away.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are a few things in this story that didn't turn out as i wanted them to, so i'm kinda salty about i. i started a sideblog in case someone wanted to yell at me, i'm datcarolina on tumblr


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